WWJDoWW March 9, 2011

In case you weren’t sure – that title is What Would Jesus do on Weight Watchers. And by Jesus I mean me.

I’m not sure if anyone actually cares about this, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

watch me wobble.

Before I joined, I always thought of Weight Watchers as this secret society of weight loss, what with their code numbers, special meetings and handbooks. I’m going all Joshua Jackson in The Skulls and reveal their secrets -  hold on to your hats.

Weight Watchers recently had an overhaul, so the Points program you may have heard about was transformed to PointsPlus, with newly skinny Jennifer Hudson as it’s spokeslady. I’d like to take a moment to comment on the fact that I think her success with weight watchers maaaaay have gone too far, because she has fallen prey to “I used to be fat and now I’m skinny bobblehead” syndrome. It plagues many a former fat person, think about it.

Anyway, Points are now based on fat, carbs, protein, fiber and sugar alcohols in food. Veggies and fruits are zero points. The fact that fruits are free is pretty huge, considering they count against you in most diets.  I think the idea behind it is promoting better choices over anything else.

Once you join weight watchers, you are given a points allowance based on current weight, height, age(?), and weight loss goal. I was given 29 points per day. You also get 49 bonus points to use however you’d like during the week. I’ve found that I don’t touch the extra points very often, but they are a great cushion, just in case. A friend of mine used hers for alcohol – smarty pants.

In addition to the initial 49 bonus points, you can also earn points through fitness. Tonight I took a Zumba class and gained 4 extra points for the week. Last night I ran 33 minutes and gained 5. I have no idea what the system is, so I just go with it.

Here comes the part that I always wondered most about, before I joined the ranks. What the heck does one point get you? I’m about to be one of those girls that lists out everything they ate today as if anyone cares. If you really, really, don’t care, just stop reading.

Ready?

Breakfast – 6 Points Total

• (2) Coffee with Hazelnut Creme Creamer – it’s the creamer from the in house barista creamer commercial. Jump on this wagon, it’s bangin.
• (4) 12 grain toast with a Laughing Cow Creamy Light Swiss spread on it- jump on this wagon too, you won’t be disappointed. I use these things to make cream sauces, in place of cream cheese, melted with salsa as queso, and just spread on crackers. The possibilities are endless. If you do decide to try, buy them at Target. They’re half the price of anywhere else I’ve seen them.
• (0) Apple

Lunch – 5 Points

• (2) Progresso Light Vegetable and Noodle Soup -these soups are delicious, filling, and totally guilt free. I actually ate them before Weight Watchers, just cause they’re tasty.
• (2) 3 French Fries – Yup, three french fries cost me two points. Do you know how many french fries I’d normally eat in one sitting? 57. The only reasonable french fries I’ve found are from Chick-fil-a. Their stuff wouldn’t be considered healthy, but it’s really not that bad in the grand scheme of fast food.
• (0) Banana

Dinner – 10 Points

• (8) Taco Salad- My salad consisted of taco seasoned ground turkey (2/3 cup), 6 black olives, cheddar cheese (not even the fat free kind – real, wonderful, cheddar cheese), lettuce, and tomato.  I started thinking about this salad at 2pm, continued to think about it while I worked out, went shopping for all the ingredients, walked home in the cold, prepped them and enjoyed. Man, did I enjoy.
• (1) Reduced Fat Peanut Butter
• (1) Reduced Fat Mayonnaise
• (0) Banana – I combined the peanut butter and mayo to dip my banana in. Go ahead and barf all over yourself, Michael almost did. My mom’s lineage is sort of  PA Dutch, and this was a trick she used to do to make the peanut butter more creamy and spreadable. I also consider Strawberry Shortcake to be biscuits and macerated strawberries with milk poured over them. Don’t judge us, we can’t help our amish tendencies.

To tell you the truth, I was actually really full after the salad and only ate the banana because of my relentless need for dessert. If you need some help in the math department (don’t be ashamed, I still count on my fingers all.the.time), that brings my points total for the day to 21. I could feasibly go buck wild and eat 8 Oreos (yes, oreos are one point each – who would have thunk?), but since I’m not hungry, I’m won’t (I realize this is common sense for 99% of people. It was not for me until a month ago). In combination with my 4 Zumba points, today was a total weight watchers success.

It’s now way later than I thought, and my bed is calling my name. For anyone who ever wondered about weight watchers – welp, now you know.

facefat. March 8, 2011

Remember back in January when I told you I wanted to run 10 miles in may and stop being fat and said I’d update you on my progress and then never said another word about it other than ranting about how I hate the gym?

Guess what! My silence on the issue didn’t mean that I let my resolution go to the wayside, and in the last two months I’ve actually made some progress. I’m not nearly as far along as I’d like to be, due to some 5 day hiatuses that repeatedly set me back, but I’m getting there. As of this week, I can run 3.5 miles without wishing I was dead even for a second. I run pretty slow and it takes me awhile, but I’d say that’s progress none the less.

The weight loss side of things is equally slow going, but they say that healthy weight loss should be a slow process. I joined Weight Watchers back in January, and it.is.genius. For someone like me that needs to be held accountable, it is the perfect system. I’ve done the calorie counting thing before, and it pales in comparison to what Weight Watchers has to offer. The online version is completely user-friendly and effective, and knowing I’ll have to track everything later makes me more aware of what I’m stuffing my face with choosing to eat. The fact of the matter is, gaining weight is really easy, but losing weight is really really hard. I remember thinking the same thing in college when a C plummeted my GPA (curse you, long distance relationship and family drama!) and it took a million A’s to get it back up. Weight loss is equally daunting and slow, but I’m finding that it’s completely worth it.

I think that any progress report should include pictures, but unfortunately I’ve become pretty good at hiding my flaws with my clothing so full body shots don’t really exist. However, there is the allusive right/fat side of my face. In addition to my love handles and thighs, my face generally ebbs and flows with my weight highs and lows. FYI, it is impossible to hide face fat unless you’re prepared to wear your hair like the girl from The Ring (as a total side note, isn’t it sort of insane that The Ring is completely dated now that VHS doesn’t exist? At least with cell phone progression you can look at huge old phones and be like, oh, that’s a huge old cell phone. In 5 years, kids literally won’t know what VHS tapes are because DVD’s look nothing like it. Just thought I’d point that out). For the sake of this blog, I present you with my face fat collage. 2009 was taken on my honeymoon, which is the thinnest I’ve been since I graduated from college, 2010 was taken on New Years Eve, and was the catalyst for this whole weight loss venture, and the final one was taken last week in the happiest place on earth, hence the ears. People like to tell me that they can’t tell I’ve gained any weight. People are liars. I will confess that this little face time line is super embarrassing, mostly because I found three pictures that are taken from almost the exact same angle so easily.

skinny.fat.medium.

 

hump day. February 16, 2011

I learned the hard way this week that cheating just does not profit in dieting, running or marriage. Just kidding about that last one.

Today I had the worst run of my life during lunch and almost burst into tears on the treadmill. So pathetic, I know. Also, I lost 6 pounds and have already plateaued. After years of self loathing, it seems my body hates me back. Sadly, 6 pounds isn’t even so much an achievement as it is a really big bathroom experience for some people. Gross, but true.

Monday was valentine’s day, and although we don’t usually celebrate, we went to a restaurant around the block for the dinner special. They told us that the only reservation was for 6pm and we were literally the only people in the restaurant. Dinner was delicious – octopus ceviche, a duck confit pizza, hanger steak, fish over a ravioli filled with an egg,  all capped off with fruit and chocolate fondue. It certainly wasn’t a menu for the faint of heart, but we were thoroughly impressed and quite full by the end. We split a bottle of wine over dinner and, as I rarely drink anymore , I was quite intoxicated by the time we left. I resisted the urge to run home (this is something I do when I’m really drunk. I ran almost a mile back to our hotel the last time we were in Williamsburg, dropping my room key every 3 feet and eventually trying to bust into a strangers room. That was awkward and strange.), and promptly climbed into my bed and flicked on the tv upon my arrival. I turned on the guide to see what was on annnnddddd Wheel of Fortune hadn’t even started yet. In case you don’t know, the wheel starts at 7:30. Valentine’s day fail.

On the bright side, its 48 degrees in Philadelphia. After months of endless snow and cold, the groundhog did not see his shadow and spring is supposed to arrive as scheduled. I hope this little preview sticks around until then, because I am so over this year’s round of Seasonal Affect Disorder (was it intentional that this spells SAD? Crazy scientists).

Could he be any weirder looking?

if all else fails, i can make perfect brownies. January 10, 2011

I wish you could buy willpower at the store. I would splurge on it whenever I had extra money and ask for it for Christmas and stock pile it in my bathroom closet (where it would eventually start to smell like pad thai, since that’s the only place in my apartment that smells like the restaurant we live over) so that I would never ever run out. If you could buy it, I wonder if they would eventually sell willpower pajama pants, like the pajama jeans that my TV tells me are the new big thing. I would wear those pants all day, every day (much like how my husband is currently wearing long johns all.the.time. It is as sexy as it sounds).

Speaking of As Seen on TV, if anyone wants a perfect brownie pan or a slider maker, I will sell you them, still in the box, for a very reasonable price.While I still have not quite figured out why the gifter of these two items thought we had a need for them, my main concern is that they even exist. Dear America, do you really not have the extra minute it takes to cut your brownies with a knife after they cool or do you just really like brownie edges? I personally hate brownie edges, and don’t know why anyone would want a whole pan of them. Also, my fellow americans, you do know that sliders are just little burgers, right? You can form tiny patties in your hands, and it will turn out exactly the same. I’m glad we had this talk. Best Regards, B. (It just took me a whole minute to decide whether to put a B or an R there, as if my audience is more than my 3 friends and hiding my real name makes any difference).

Now, back the issue at hand. As it is, I have none willpowers (thats muffy speak for no willpower, of course). Most of my days are spent telling myself not to do things, and then doing them 30 seconds later. This includes, but is not limited to, eating everything, all the time (especially tortilla chips), snoozing my alarm in the morning, watching one more episode of the golden girls before I go to sleep and about a million other things that end up making me regret that I did them. It also goes the other way, in that I have no desire to do things that are good for me, like exercising, washing my hair and leaving my apartment. In fact, I’m writing this post right now because I told myself I would go to the gym at lunch. It’s 12:30 on the dot, and I’m still sitting at my desk, typing away. I even asked my 60 year old coworker if she would go to the gym with me, so that something would hold me to the task. She can’t leave her desk, so here I sit.

As an update, I managed to run a tiny bit over a mile straight, which is an improvement from my first attempt. Still, 10 miles seems a long way off considering the moment I start breathing heavy I convince myself that I’m about to have an asthma attack and die. Oh, have I mentioned that I have an inhaler? I get cooler by the minute.

i hate the gym. January 5, 2011

I went to the gym last night. It did not start off so well.

I went to the locker room to get changed, and it was filled with tiny asian girls. Nothing like a flock of asian girls in sports bras to really make you feel bad about yourself. While I waited for them to finish changing and make some room, I emptied my water bottle in the sink. Somehow I didn’t notice that the main drain pipe had been removed and the water went through the sink and all over both of my feet. Awesome.

Belonging to a gym on a college campus has it’s advantages, I suppose. I used to go to LA Fitness, where you were lucky to find an open machine before 8pm. It also smelled like a dirty shoe at all times, which made breathing an interesting adventure.  Before the holidays, I would arrive around 5:30 and by 6:30 there would be  approximately 18 other people spread over three floors. But last night? Last night there were 1,230 people at the gym. As I walked in, I saw one staff member say to another “omg, why are there so many people here?” (She actually said O-M-G, crazy college kid). Apparently everyone has fitness resolutions.

Another benefit of going to a gym on a college campus is that no one there gives an eff about me. I’m old and chubby and they’re all young and wearing see through shirts and running with their hair down. I will never, ever, ever understand how anyone can run with their hair down. Last night, this gaggle of girls next to me were pretending to run while really talking about sorority things. One of them had the longest, curliest blond hair I’ve ever seen, and it was down. My advice to her is this – if you don’t plan on getting sweaty enough that you require a ponytail, please go home and stop pretending that you are working on your fitness. That boy lifting weights down the row that you are hoping will notice you is too busy admiring his muscles, grunting at himself and high fiving the guy next to him. This is not your time, curlygurl. I suggest you wait until Thursday night, find out what party he will be attending, and wear something slutty. Now get off the last treadmill left with a tv attached, thanks.

Did everyone know that there are multiple episodes of Law and Order SVU on USA during the week right after work? That show+the aforementioned TV’s attached to workout machines are the best thing to ever happen to my gym life. The first couple times I turned it on, I felt sort of creepy for watching a show about sex crimes in a room full of people. I looked around me to see what everyone else was watching and GUESS WHAT, 3 other people were watching it too. Out of the 125 channels available, 4 people had chosen the same semi inappropriate show. Phew.

(I should mention that no other Law and Order floats my boat the way that SVU does. I think its cause my crush on Stabler is too big to even put into words. Speaking of which, has anyone ever seen the pilot of SVU? I could go on forever about how the first few episodes of a show are so hilarious because the actors haven’t defined their characters  yet and they do funny things while they’re trying them on. In the pilot of SVU, Stabler pronounces his name “Stay-blah”, cause he’s so hood. I’m glad that passed).

Alas, not even a TV show as awesome as Law and Order SVU can assuage my hatred of the gym. As an update, I ran exactly .4 miles before my lungs exploded out of my chest and I was thrown off the treadmill like a rag doll (ok, ok, maybe I just backed it down to 2.3 which is the walking speed of my 92 year old grandfather with a walker). Luckily no one noticed because they were too busy hitting on each other and fluffing their hair.

May, please come slowly.