My roommate got me hooked on The Biggest Loser, which I now loyally watch every week. For three years after college, I didn’t have a TV in my life that wasn’t always occupied, so it was mostly Spongebob, Winnie the Pooh and various soap opera’s, depending on where I was sleeping.
Now that I have a TV of my own, and can choose what to watch on any given night – why not a show about fat people?
Over the week
s, I have come to truly hate Tara (my best friend loves her – sowwy). Tara is 23, and started the show at 294 pounds. That’s huge. As of last night, she’s down 117 pounds and weighed in at 177.
Clearly, as you can see in these before and after photos, she looks awesome. Here’s what gets me – she’s still fat. 177 is a lot for a girl, and she still looks amazing when compared to her former self. Based on this, mixed with my own personal experience, I have created a new “feel good theory” for the children of America. The only way to test it would be to have children, which won’t be happening for 10-15 years, so I’m just going to run it by you.
I am 24, graduated from college, have a good job, and can afford to feed and entertain myself. In the grand scheme of things, I have thus far succeeded. The onl
y thing is, I used to be skinny. As a child, I was so skinny that I could have been on one of those starving children ads, covered with flies. (And would have been, had my mom not bought me. Next time you see one of those commercials, think of me, and feed the hungry). I took dance lessons for 14 years, and it kept me thin through high school. Things were moving along just fine, and then college hit. No dancing, slower metabolism, and all you can eat cafeteria’s did me in. Damn it. I have a good job and live a good life, but please don’t ask me to show you pictures from high school, because I will weep openly at my former self.
Now, let’s look at Tara. She is approximately the same age as me, has graduated from college and if she doesn’t already, will probably have a decent job soon. At 23, what can Tara say? Tara’s run down goes like this – I graduated from college, was just on a TV show, (will) have a good job, and just did a little thing called conquering obesity and probably heart disease and diabetes. Want to see pictures of me from before? Sure, here you go. I was fat, but look at me now, bitches.
Ugh, lucky.
Based on this, here is what I propose. Let your kids eat whatever they want. Cheeseburgers – sure! Candy – ok! A whole box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for lunch and dinner? Eat your heart out! The only condition is, once they hit 18, they have to stop. Not just the over indulgent eating, all eating in general. They have 18 years to have their fill, and a lifetime of one upmanship ahead of them.
As parents, their highschool graduation gift will already be a given, and as everyone else’s kids get fat in college, yours will reign supreme. Ok, ok, maybe there’s going to be some ongoing self esteem issues and what not, but throw in a good counseler with that personal trainer and they’re set.
All those years of reckless eating and excess fat will all be gone, and they’ll have a college degree to boot. Once they conquer the fat, they will be able to conquer anything.
Think about it…genius.
