quick and dirty. March 15, 2011

No time to write a coherent post, so a list it is:

1. I can’t handle time changes. I’m like a baby with a nap time that is being ignored cause we’re on vacation – tired and cranky.

2. This morning, a kid got on the bus that smelled so strongly of weed that I kept looking to see if there was a lit joint in his hand. There wasn’t, which was obvious, but seriously surprising based on smell alone.

3. Yesterday, I saw a rich mom in expensive work out clothes and $200 matching orange tory burch flats dropping off her kid to school and spent the day mourning the fact that I will never be her. Is it bad that I’m ready to retire at 26?

4. I have to go to court on friday for a litter violation, and it wasn’t even my litter (more on this later). I need legal advice, asap.

5.  Yesterday Maggie found a stick branch. She was proud.

things that I wonder about. January 14, 2011

1. The tiny corns in stir fry. Are there fields of tiny corns somewhere? If there are, I’m adding them to my road trip to do list. I’d like to try and husk those teeny guys. Also, if I put one in the microwave would it pop into a million tiny popcorns? EXPERIMENT TIME.

found it!

2. Why do they put more than one serving of a  beverage in a bottle? Do they really think you will stop at half or do they expect that people still carry those portable cups that fold up like an accordian? ( I just googled to find a picture of said cup, and I can’t find it. I hope someone else knows what I’m talking about, cause I loved mine as a child).

3. Water chestnuts. Nut or vegetable? More importantly, if you ever wonder what nothing tastes like, water chestnuts are the answer.

4. Battery sizes. Was there really a need for anything other than double A? Because of this, I could not replace my remote batteries and was forced to watch an infomercial about those Amish heaters rather than Sabrina the Teenage Witch as I got ready this morning. Lucky for me, they’re currently showing the after college episodes of the show, and they aren’t very good. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t consider buying a heater, but that’s not the point.

5. Homeless people who shout mean things at me when I don’t give them change. Just because I don’t have change today, doesn’t mean I won’t have change the next time I see you. You screwed your future self, buddy.

6. Why people yell outside my apartment every night. Does this happen outside of all bars or just the one I live across from?

7. If anyone thinks an ecard is as special as a real card. It’s not.

8. Why people wore so many clothes in colonial days. I live in Philadelphia, I know how hot it gets. How did they not die of heat stroke in Independence Hall?

9. Is it possible for us to run out of fresh water to drink? I’m sure someone has invented a way to convert salt water to fresh, but it can’t possibly be as good. This is an actual concern of mine, that my children will never know how good water can be.

10. Sometimes I look at my friends parents to try and discern which one they look more like. Everyone once in awhile I find that their parents look EXACTLY alike. Do you think this happens over time, like weird married metamorphosis, or do you think they were initially attracted to the opposite sex version of themselves? I hope its the former and one day my huzbot wakes up brown in weird places. Mwahahaha.

A New Year January 4, 2011

I keep telling myself, and everyone else, that I don’t really believe in new years resolutions. I then immediately say, “but if I did, mine are…” So, for posterity I am about to list my 2011 new years resolutions. (I’m sure you are on the edge of your seat).

1. Run 10 miles in May. Considering I have never run more than a mile at a time in my whole life, this one should be interesting. I’m hoping it also curbs my obesity, or I will be sending my tiny family to the poor house with my need for new clothing. You’re probably thinking, “hey, did you get really chubby since the last time you posted on this blog?” The answer is yes, yes I did. Here is photo evidence, so I can’t continue to pretend otherwise. I miss you, cheekbones. I hate the gym, so this goal will be a reason to go. Maybe I will even track my progress on this here blog. Maybe.

last year, last friday. wah.

2. Learn a new craft. If you know me, you know I’m already a craft dork to begin with. My mom’s house is littered with the ghosts of crafts tried past. Somewhere deeply buried is a half finished teddy bear (whaddup 6th grade teddy bear club!),  a penguin cross stitch i allllmost finished, pieces of fabric that were supposed to be a quilt, oil paints, 1001 sheets of colored paper (for all the memories I had planned to scrapbook, of course) and endless amount of supplies. My moms back storage room is a freaking AC Moore. If you ever find yourself in need rubber stamps, I’m you’re girl. I’ll even throw in an embosser to really dazzle up your day. I’m leaning towards pottery this time. I find the wheel intriguing.

3. Stop being so lazy. I am the laziest person on earth, and I sort of hate leaving my home once I’m in it. I’m going to try and be better at this. I am free every tuesday-thursday night, please call me and ask me to be your friend. thanks.

4. Treat people the way I would want to be treated. I’ve been working on this one and I wish it wasn’t such a struggle.

5. Be thankful for what I have and stop worrying about what I don’t. See number 4 for descriptor.

6. Bring my lunch to work. I told my huzbot about this one yesterday and he bought 4 pounds of lunch meat in response. Looks like I’m off to a good start. Also, please call if you need a sandwich.

You will notice I did not add “resurrect this blog” to the list, because that’s too much pressure and I will fail, but I may be popping in from time to time. All six of you that know about this blog can rejoice. If you could, please try to do it in unison, so it makes some sort of audible sound.  Happy new year!

Why I might never have children June 10, 2009

Every Sunday, Michael and I watch my niece. For every Sunday we spend with her, I tack on another six months before I’m ready to have kids. Kids are fine when you can give them back. You can expect our first child sometime around 2031. Here are some reasons I might never have children.

1. Kids are annoying. I know this is pretty much common knowledge, but they’re way more annoying than anyone gives them credit for. Here is why: They will act like complete idiots in public – shouting and crying and what not – and then they get in the car and ask you something that’s so cute you can’t be mad anymore. If it were an adult you’d be like – “you are the biggest waste of life I’ve ever met, never speak to me again”. But a kid? “yes, that is a baby goose and yes you can put your baby doll bonnet on it!”. Any person that can have such persuasion over me cannot be trusted.

2. Other peoples bodily functions are disgusting. My niece is newly potty trained, but not so far along that she can fully wipe herself. The other day, it took half a roll of toilet paper to rid her of her poop, some of which I smeared on her back and then wiped off with more toilet paper that I spit on, all while in a public bathroom stall. (That really happened, and I am horrified to be retelling it). After I finally cleaned it all up, she insisted on washing her hands (even though she touched nothing questionable) and then wouldn’t leave the bathroom until I picked her up to get her own paper towels. I just cleaned your butt, TAKE YOUR FREAKING PAPER TOWELS THAT I HAND YOU AND GO.

3. I am selfish, so are kids. They want you to feed them, and play with them, and be their best friend, even when you’re tired. Luckily, I have found a good buffer for this. Television. If you give a kid a cookie and put on the Disney Channel, you score yourself at least an hour of laying around doing nothing. Please note that they will know if you drift off to sleep, and will wake you up to ask for more cookies or some juice. I like to keep the cookie bag with me, so that we can both partake.

4. Other moms. However annoying kids are, other mom’s are way way worse. Just because you shot a baby out of your vagina does not make you superior to those without children. NEWS FLASH – anyone can do it. Didn’t you see that pregnant man on Oprah? Seriously, anyone. My hatred of mom’s who embrace the “mommy club” is so intense that I might never have kids just to avoid them. On mother’s day, a bunch of facebooks posted the below poem. g I have included my edits for your perusal:

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I did, however, get my 4 inch heels stuck in sidewalk grates in the city at 2am and forgot the words to the minute clips of songs that I listened to during power hour around minute 32.

I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations. Plants – no, alcohol, yes. And actually, I did think about immunizations because one time, in New York, I may have accidently been exposed to tuberculosis. I was just a carrier, no big deal.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on (false, gay friend in college, more than once), pooped on (false thanks to my hamster, Peanut Butter Crunch, chewed on (false, I used to have a dog named Snuggles, he was from hell), peed on (false, don’t ask).

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts and I slept all night. So you’re saying child rearing is like alien abduction? Sign me up! Also, to my neighbor above me that vacuums allthetime, thank you for robbing me of the sleeping all night thing 20 years too early.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests or give shots. I’ve actually done this before,  and it’s horrible. I’ll give you that one, moms.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. To the baby daddy’s of these mom’s, I am sorry that they already forgot that they used to be in love. For a good time, please call 610-716-5698.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. This is because I was out doing things that were fun and awesome.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. There were nights that I got up every 10 minutes to throw up. It was not pretty.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. This just makes no sense at all. You can’t know what it’s like to do ANYTHING until you do it. If you’re going to write a poem, at least write one that makes sense. Geez.

I omitted more than half this poem because I couldn’t take it anymore. You get to the idea. To the members of the mom club, let me just say here and now – I will never be one of you. Please babysit my kids while I day drink with my friends. If you could also make 3 dozen cupcakes for some class party on Monday, that would be great, thanks.

In conclusion, if in the next 2-3 years you hear that I am pregnant, please push me down the stairs instead of congratulating me. Once my broken bones heal, I will thank you, I promise.

Why I am a failure, May Edition May 22, 2009

1. I overdrew my bank account. I hate writing checks because I always forget about them and then they get cashed weeks later and I get screwed. This particular check was $36 for two tickets to my future sister in law’s dance recital. The horrific two hours has now cost me $66 when you include overage charges. The worst part? I used to go to the same studio and probably could have gotten in for free if the door person had switched 10 minutes earlier.

2. My bedroom looks like a bomb went off and has for weeks. There is a clear path to the door, but that’s about it. Half of the clothes are dirty, the other half are clean. At one point, they each had their own areas. They have since meshed into one big questionable pile. Cleaning it was number one on my to-do list this week,  I took a nap instead.

3. I haven’t exercised in, ummmm, 3 weeks. My excuse before was the constant rain. Well, the sun was finally out all week and I could have gotten up and gone running, but I chose to stay up and watch How I Met Your Mother every night instead. (If you have never seen it, you should netflix it from the beginning. Doogie Howser is awesome, end of story.)

4. I have consumed an average of 4,000 calories per day all week. It’s not really my fault, this week belongs to my uterus. On the menu today is grilled chicken and mango salsa, coconut risotto and mushroom ravioli. I shall eat 100 of the raviolis. It is as disgusting (and delicious) as it sounds.

5. Last night Muffy wouldn’t play with me. I told her she’s not my friend and ignored her for the rest of my visit.

6. Today, facebook suggested I be friends with my mom. She was already friends with two of my cousins, and my college roommate. She has been a member since August of 2008.

7. My car smells like pee and no amount of febreeze will vanquish it. It makes me wish I was dead.

8. Everyone else is getting out of work early today. I have to stay until 6 to babysit adults. Sweeeeet.

9. It’s memorial day weekend, and no one has invited me to a single bbq. Usually when I have no friends, I hang out with Muffy. As we are on the outs, per number 5, I will have to swallow my pride and apologize. NOT! She’s four, I can just bring candy and tattoos.

10. The sun is out, its almost the weekend, and I just wrote a list of complaints.

May failures, done.